Sam and Josh had worked together as partners in their construction business for over fifty years, one day after returning from a check up with the doctor Sam mentioned that the doctor had suggested that both of them should start writing things down as at their age they start to be forgetful.
Josh laughed at the idea, " My mind is still sharp as a tack, what did you need me to pick up at the hardware store?"
"A dead bolt for the back door," Sam replied.
Half an hour later Josh returned, "There you go electrical box, outlet and cover plate." he proudly announced.
"YOU IDIOT!" Sam screamed at him, "Told you to make a list, I sent you for a bathroom faucet."
A lumberjack from Ontario decided to tour across America, when he got to Oregon he fell in love with the area so decided to find a job and settle down.
He applied for the open position of "Log Inspector" at one of the local mills so the foreman and the owner take him out to see what he really knows.
The foreman stops the truck and points to a tree and says, "What species is that big tree over there, and how many board feet of lumber does it contain?"
They continue on about another mile and the foreman points to another tree and asks the same question.
After the third stop the owner is praising the lumberjack's talent and foreman is getting a bit worried that this new guy is actually smarter than him, he has to do something to make him look bad. He stops the truck and hands the lumberjack a piece do chalk, " Get out and mark the front of that big tree over there," he says winking at the owner.
The lumberjack gets out, walks around the tree while looking at the ground, stops and puts an X on the tree and returns to the truck.
He got the foreman's job.
Seventy year old Martha woke her husband, seventy-five year old George from his nap on the sofa.
"There is a truck backed up to your shop and theives are loading up your tools." she told him in a frightened voice.
He immediately looked out the window, then phoned the police.
The police informed him that it was Saturday night and they were really busy but would have an officer over to his place as soon as one was available, probably in about half an hour. He was advised to stay inside the house with the doors locked until they got there.
He hung up the phone, waited about a minute and called back.
"This is the fellow that just called about the theives stealing his tools, don't hurry, I just shot them."
Three minutes later an ambulance and two police cars arrived and the burgulars were caught red-handed.
"What is going on here?" asked one of the officers, "We were informed that you had shot them."
"Yeh, and I was informed that nobody was available." Old George replied
Employment Standards determined a small woodworking shop owner was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent.
"Well, there's Jake my finisher who's been with me for 3 years, I pay him $900 a week.
The apprentice Tom has been here for 6 months, and I pay him $500 a week.
Then there's the half-wit that works here about 18 hours a day. He makes $10 a week and I buy him a case of beer every Friday," replied the owner.
"That's the guy I want to talk to; the half-wit," says the agent."
The owner says, "That would be me."
Little Johnny came home after spending the afternoon at the lot next door where a crew was building a new house, his mother asked him what he had learned while he was there.
"Well," he replied it is an f'ing bother when those f'ing idiots at the lumberyard send the wrong f'ing stock and every f'ing thing has to be returned. On top of that the f'ing plumber put the f'ing pipes for the f'ing sink on the wrong wall."
"That is enough young man," his mother interupted, you know you are not allowed to use that kind of language, "Just wait until your father gets home."
When his father arrived home his mother told him about the kind of language his son had used.
"That is disgusting," his father scolded, "You must be punished, go and get me a switch from the backyard."
Little Johnny replied, " No way that's the f'ing electricians job."
A woodworker is applying for a job and must answer three questions!
Here's your first question," the foreman said.
"Without using numbers, represent the number 9."
"Without numbers?" The woodworker says. "Dat is easy," and proceeds to draw three trees.
"What's this?" the foreman asks.
"Ave you got no brain? Tree and tree and tree make nine," says the woodworker.
"Fair enough," says the foreman. "Here is your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99."
The woodworker stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree. "'Ere you go."
The foreman scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?
" Each of da trees is dirty now ! So it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, and dirty tree. Dat is 99."
The foreman is getting worried he's going to have to hire this fellow, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.
" The woodworker stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree, and says, Ere you go. One hundred."
The foreman looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!
" The woodworker leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree, and says, "A little dog come along and crap by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which make one hundred... So when I start?"
Jack, an older gentleman woodworker, feared his wife, Becky, was getting hard of hearing.
Again there is no response. So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for supper?"
Due to inherit a furniture factory when his sickly, widower father died, Clyde decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.
Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.
Bob goes to see his supervisor at the millwork shop.
Luigi, a perpetual bachelor, owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami, a furniture manufacturing shop. Friends convinced him that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the latest trends there, and maybe he could meet an available young Italian woman at the same time.
One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked,
Buford walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.
Larry the woodworker called his boss and said: "Hey, boss I'm not coming to work today, I'm really sick, I got a headache, a stomach ache, my leg hurts, I just can't make it in."
Jack and Bob were returning from installing custom cabinets in a home several hours away from their shop when they were caught in a sudden snow storm.
They pulled into a farm yard, an attractive, middle aged lady answered the door, they explained their plight and asked if they could spend the night.
"Of course," she answered, " However I am a recent widow and it would not be proper for you to stay in the house, but you may sleep in the barn."
They left early the next morning, the storm had passed, Jack never thought anymore about the incident until nine months later when he got a letter from the widow's attorney.
He confronted his partner Bob the next morning at their shop, " Remember when we had to stay in that barn during that storm last winter, you didn't happen to visit the widow during the night and use my name instead of yours, did you?"
"Uh, actually I did," Bob admitted looking a little sheepish, " I'm sorry, I should not have done that."
" No problem," Jack laughed, " She just died and left me the farm."
Pat and Mike came over to America on the boat together.
On the day they arrived in Philadelphia they found a room and that night they vowed to find jobs the next day.
On the evening of the next day they compared notes.
Pat: "So, Michael, did ya find any work?
Mike: "Nay, nodda bit, Paddy. And you?"
Pat: "Aye. Found work in a tool factory. Don't ya know, they works to a thousandths of an inch!"
Mike: "A thousandths of an inch!!"
Mike ponders this for a moment and then asks:
"Paddy, how many thousandths are there in an inch?"
Pat: "Sure, Michael, and I don't know. From the looks, there must be millions of them!"
A fellow went into a pawnshop in New York and asked to borrow $2500 for a trip to Hawaii, he was told he would have to put up collateral for security. They explained to him that they would hold it until the loan was paid with the interest owing.
"Well I guess you can hold my van and tools," he replied. " Will they be safe?"
He was assured that they were kept in a locked compound and only bonded staff were allowed access.
Three weeks later he returned to pick up his van and tools, wrote a check for $2531.00 and as the clerk was doing the paperwork he inquired, " There is something we don't understand, we checked your credit, you have a thriving business, yet you pawned your brand new van and expensive tools for money for a trip."
" Where else could I find secure parking for just over $10 a week in this town." the man replied.
A woodworker had a neighbour that always borrowed his tools and never returned them, one day fustrated with this he phoned him.
" Could I put my tablesaw and drill press in your garage?" he inquired.
" Sure," his neighbour replied, " But why?"
" Just to have all my tools in one place." he retorted.
A construction worker died suddenly in his sleep, as he entered the Pearly Gates trumpets blared.
St. Peter approached him with his hand outstretched, " Congratulations, you are the oldest person ever to arrive here."
"There must be some mistake," the worker replied, " I am only forty years old."
" Impossible," St. Peter replied, " We added your time sheets up twice and got 160 years both times."
A carpenter, electrician, and plumber working on a job together noticed that the foreman always left on Tuesdays and Thursdays a couple hours early. Since he never came back to the job site they decided on the next Tuesday to leave as well a few minutes after the foreman had departed. The electrician headed for the golf course, the plumber decided to take in a movie, the carpenter decided just to go home and relax. When he entered his house he heard noises coming from the master bedroom, quietly opening the door he was shocked to see the foreman in bed with his wife, he backed away and left the house.
During the first coffee break on the next Thursday the other two guys asked him if he was into leaving early again.
"No way," he exclaimed," Last time I almost got caught."
A Termite walked into a pub and asked,
"Where's the bar tender?
One day, Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. His nephew asked him what happened.
You know what a foreman is?" Uncle Joe asked.
"The one who stands around and watches the other men work, what's that got to do with it?" the nephew inquired.
Well, he just got jealous of me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."
A young boy around seven years old got separated from his father at a large woodworking show, remembering what his parents had told him to do in such a situation he approached a security guard and reported that he had lost his dad.
"What's he like?" the security guard inquired.
"Mom says beer and women." the boy replied.
Mikey left the furniture shop Friday afternoon and cashed his pay check in the bar, it was a good check, he had worked a lot of overtime, enough that he was able to party until Monday afternoon. He went home to face his wife knowing that he would be in trouble.
All she said was, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for three days?"
With his mind still in a bit of a haze he replied, " That would suit me just fine."
Tuesday came and he didn't see his wife, then Wednesday the same, by Thursday he could just see her out of the corner of his left eye.
Howard was getting tired of George his brother-in-law always borrowing from him, it started with small things and progressed to him using his shop for a month to build a dresser.
"Why don't you just tell him you will be needing to use what he wants to borrow," his wife advised him.
The next day George was at the door, " Will you be using your shop next week?" he inquired.
"Actually I will, I have a big project I have to get done, probably take me a couple weeks working day and night." Howard lied.
" Glad to hear that," George replied, " Because I would like to borrow your motorhome for a couple weeks."
Joe, O'Hara's long time foreman, died in his sleep one night. O'Hara had depended on Joe for advice on every aspect, from framing to finishing. In addition, Joe had been his closest friend. So, it was understandable that O'Hara didn't take kindly to the droves of ambitious carpenters who wanted Joe's job.
"They don't even have the decency to wait until the man is buried," O'Hara muttered.
At the cemetery, one eager beaver made his way to O'Hara's side.
"Sir" the man said. "Is there a chance that I could take Joe's place?"
"Certainly," O'Hara replied. "But you'd better hurry. I think the casket is almost covered."
I think its time for me to explain about 220 current and why it is so different from 110 volt service. First of all, it's twice as big.
Secondly, it'll shock you more. Outside of that, 220 is really two 110 volt lines coming to your house from different parts of the globe.
The up and down 110 comes from the northern hemisphere, and the down and up version comes from below the equator.
Without trying to get technical, it all boils down to the direction water flows when it goes down the drain. In the top of the earth, it goes clockwise, while on the bottom of the earth it goes counter clockwise. Since most electricity is made from hydro dams, the clockwise flow gives you an up and down sine wave, while the counterclockwise version gives you a down and up sine wave. Between the two, you have 220 volts, while either individual side only gives you 110 volts.
This is partiularly important to know when buying power tools- which side of the globe did they come from? If you get an Australian saw, for instance, it will turn backwards if connected to a US generated 110 volt source. Sure, you can buy backwards blades for it, but that is an unnecessary burden. Other appliances, like toasters cannot be converted from Australian electricity to American electricity, without horrible results. I knew one person who bought an Australian toaster by mistake and it froze the slices of bread she put in it.
If you wire your shop with 220 and accidentally get two US-generated 110 volt lines run in by accident, you can get 220 by using a trick I learned from an old electrician. Just put each source into its own fuse box and then turn one of the boxes upside down. That'll invert one of the two up and down sine waves to down and up, giving you 220. DO NOT just turn the box sideways, since that'll give you 165 volts and you'll be limited to just using Candian tools with it.
(This was intended as pure humor)
A carpenter was giving evidence about an accident he had witnessed.
The judge asked him how far away he was from the accident.
The carpenter replied "twenty seven feet, six and one half inches".
"What? How come you are so sure of that distance?", asked the judge.
"Well, I knew some idiot would ask me. So I measured it!" replied the carpenter.
A woodworker had three girl friends, he liked each of them in their own way and could not decide which of them to propose marriage to. Finally he decided to give each of them $5000 to see how they would spend it.
The first prospect gave him the title to some land, " I purchased this treed property and also planted seedlings on it so you will have timber for your projects forever."
The second one arrived with a delivery van, " I have purchased all the extra tools that you have often wished for, now you will be able to easily make anything that you want."
The third one presented him with a box of business cards, " This is a galley that I opened for you to sell your crafts, so you will always have a source of income."
He thought long and hard about the three girls and the purchases that they made, finally he proposed to the one with the biggest boobs.
A chimpanzee walked into a bar, jumped up on a stool and ordered a beer.
"You're a talking chimp!" the bartender exclaimed.
" Right," the chimp replied, " I'm working in construction across the street for a week, then I'm laid off, now where is my beer?"
Each day the chimp came in for a beer after work, he was getting more and more depressed about being laid off. Meanwhile a circus came to town, the bartender mentioned the talking chimp to the owner.
" I've got great news, you can get a job with the circus." he informed the chimp.
" This circus, its in a big canvas tent?" the chimp inquired.
" Well yes," replied the bartender.
" Wonder what they need a finishing carpenter for?" mused the chimp.
" Not interested in those new fangled things," Jake responded.
His son returned to college and Jake began to think that maybe the young guy was right, his old body seemed to ache more and more at the end of the day, He went into town and bought a brand new top of the line chainsaw.
The first couple days were not very productive, he only cut one cord each day, by the third day he had cut 3 cords but was dead tired. " This is not working, " he thought to himself, " My son said I should be able to cut 10 cords a day, I'm taking this stupid thing back."
The next day he was in the hardware store complaining to the sales clerk about his lack of production.
" Blade seems a little dull, but not that bad, lets start it up," the clerk muttered as he pulled the starting cord.
" What the hell is that noise?" Jake hollered.
McTight ran an efficient shop, everybody had to pull their own weight or they were out the door. It particularly galled him when he spotted a young man goofing off outside the foreman's office. He was sitting on a stack of lumber trimming his fingernails, when he finished that he idily traced designs in the sawdust on the floor with his foot.
After several minutes of this McTight could stand no more. He stepped out in front of the young man and demanded, " How much do you make?"
"Three hundred dollars a week sir," the lad replied.
McTight took out his wallet and counted out some cash, " Here is two weeks pay, get out of here and don't come back."
No sooner had the surprised young man left the shop when the foreman returned.
"Had a little problem to straighten out with the thickness sander," he remarked, " What happened to the kid from the deli, I told him to wait here for our lunch order."
Bill and Joe were in the hot sun siding a house.
"How come Tom gets to work on the other side in the shade?" Joe mused.
"Don't know," Bill replied, "Go ask him."
Joe goes to the other side and confronts Tom, "How come you get to work in the shade."
"Smarts," Tom replies.
"What's smarts?" Joe asks.
"Ill show you," Tom answers putting his hand on the wall, "Hit it" he smiles.
Joe takes a swing , Tom pulls his hand away and Joe smacks the wall.
"Why did he say he was working in the shade?" Bill asks when Joe returned.
"Smarts," Joe replies, "Ill show you, hit my hand with that 2X4," he says, putting it in front of his face.
One night a wife saw her husband standing over the baby's crib.
She stood watching him silently, he looked down with mixed emotions, disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, and skepticism.
She slipped her arm around him, "Penny for your thoughts?" she whispered.
"It's amazing, how can they make a crib like that for $49.99?"
A scrawny little carpenter is sitting at the bar having a beer, a big burly goof walks in and WHACK, smacks the little carpenter on the ear knocking him off his stool.
"That was a karate chop from Korea," the big goof laughs as he sits down and orders a beer.
No sooner had the little carpenter settled himself back on the stool, when the big goof stands up and WHACK, smacks him on the other ear knocking him off the stool again.
"That was a judo chop from Japan," he laughs going back to his beer.
The little guy gets up, dusts himself off and leaves the bar.
He returns a couple minutes later, walks up behind the big goof, WHACK, knocks him out cold.
"When he comes to tell him that was a wrecking-bar from Sears," he grins to the bartender as he leaves.
Tom and Bob are framing a house, Bob notices Tom throwing away about every second nail,
" What are you doing?" he asks.
" The heads are on the wrong end," Tom replies.
" You idiot, save them for the other side," Bob retorts.
A duck waddles into a grocery store and asks, " Got any duck food?"
" Don't carry any," replies the clerk.
Next day the duck waddles in again and asks, " Got any duck food?"
" I told you yesterday, we don't carry it." the clerk says.
Duck waddles on the third day and asks, " Got any duck food?"
" Look I told you we don't carry it, and if you come in again I'm going to nail your web feet to the floor!" the clerk shouts.
Fourth day the duck waddles in, " Got any nails ?"
" No we don't have any nails," the clerk answers, " We are a grocery store."
" Good, got any duck food?"
Pat sends Mike to the lumberyard , "Need twenty 4 X 2's," he says to the yardman.
" Guess you mean 2 X 4's," he grins, " How long do you want them?"
" Dunno for sure, but it will be a while, he's building a garage."
A guy is working on a steep roof and starts to slide down out of control.
" Help me God," he cries
A large nail catches on his overalls and stops his decent.
" Never mind God, a nails got me," he sighs with relief.
Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.
" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."
Three guys are eating lunch on a beam on the tenth floor of a construction site, " I'm so sick of ham sandwiches," says the plumber, If I get them one more day I swear I'll jump to my death."
" I feel the same way about this tuna," the electrician says.
" Ditto for lettuce and tomato," says the carpenter.
Next day when they open their lunches sure enough, they have the same sandwiches again, so over the edge they go.
At the funeral the plumber's wife says, " If I had only known he hated ham sandwiches."
The electrician's wife says, " Oh, if I had only known he hated tuna."
The carpenter's wife says, " I don't understand it, he made his own lunches."
A local construction company needed to hire another worker, two applicants had written an aptitude test and the foreman was informing the second person that the first person would be hired.
" There was ten questions, we both answered nine right, how come he got the job? " the applicant asked.
" Well." the foreman replied, " You both missed number five, but he answered, I don't Know, you answered, Neither do I."
A new helper is on the job for two hours when he is sent to the diner for coffee.
" Will this hold six cups? " he asks the waitress holding up a large thermos jug.
" No problem," she replies.
" Good , give me two black, one with cream and three with cream and sugar."
Paddy got a job at an apartment complex, after three days the superintendent called him into his office.
" How could you even apply for this job? " he said, " You have bungled every repair that I've asked you to do."
" Well your sign said Handyman Wanted, I'm handy, I live around the corner."
Three guys on a coffee break are bragging about their abilities.
" I'm the best at finishing and the foreman knows it so he treats me really good," the first guy states.
" I understand plans better than anyone else, that's got me in real tight." says the second guy.
" Well guys I've got you both beat, I'm the foreman's sex advisor." the third man gloates.
" Say what ? " they both mutter.
" And what's more he assures me of it daily because every time I suggest something to him he tells me that when he wants my f@#king advice he will ask for it."
Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him.
" I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests," the doctor informed him.
" What's he saying ?" he asked his wife.
" Says he wants your underwear for some tests,"
A city couple purchased a cottage in a rural area, the husband was doing some repairs and sent his wife to the lumber yard to buy some nails.
She decided that she would try to act like the local residents so as not to draw attention to herself, so just casually browsed while the clerk waited on another customer.
" I'll take that big bastard," he said.
The clerk smiled and handed him a file, " Is there anything else besides this bastard you need ?"
" No that is all." the customer replied.
When the customer leaves she walks up to the counter and points to the 2" nails,
" Give me two pounds of those sons a bitches."
A Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.
"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.
" Okay," the manager replied, " Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there,"
Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, " Trees cut, do I get the job?"
" I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it, where did you learn to use an axe like that ?" the manager inquired.
" Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.
" Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.
" Sure that's what they call it now."
Mike's shop was on fire, he was on the phone to the fire department.
" What is your address sir," the fireman inquired.
" I can't remember," Mike screamed.
" Calm down man, if we don't have your address how will we get there," the fireman asked.
" Use your big red truck with the siren! " Mike retorted.
Bob had a lot of work ahead of him so decided to hire a part time helper.
" Your first job will be to sweep up the sawdust." he said handing him a broom.
" Look I'm practically a university graduate," the young man protested.
" No problem, I'll show you how," Bob replied.
For more woodworking humour check out Luigi Zanasi's site.